Community Corner
Marriage Can Fail but Parenting Doesn't Have To
Avoid the pitfalls of co-parenting for the sake of the children
One can hardly turn on the TV today without hearing something about the latest celebrity couple that has called it quits on their marriage. The latest gossip seems to involve the Smiths--Will & Jada, that is. And while the couple vehemently denies the rumors, statistics regarding divorce in America truly are grim with nearly 50 percent of all marriages in the United States ending in divorce.
When there are children involved, couples facing divorce find themselves with even bigger challenges than just going their separate ways. The challenges of parenting apart can often be daunting for both parents and their children, but especially if parents aren’t on the same page.
“Based on my experience along with the vast body of research, the greatest predictors of success (measured as healthy adjustment of the children) is if the parents are willing and committed to co-parent in the best interest of the children at all times” said Laura Kellison, a local psychologist who has helped families dealing with separation or divorce for over 17 years.
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“To ease this transition for children, the main tenets of successful co-parenting are consistency, minimizing conflict and showing respect” Kellison said. “They (the children) did not sign up for this, so it’s the parents' job to do their very best. Even if they don’t feel like it, it is time to put aside bad feelings for the kids sake”.
For Petaluma parent Lissa Ferriera, putting aside differences for the sake of the child is exactly what has worked in co-parenting her three-year-old son with her ex-husband.
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“I can tell you first hand that I am angry at my ex-husband for leaving us penniless and for having made bad personal choices that ended our marriage. I have a lot to be resentful for. But I try to remain optimistic because it is the best for my son,” said Ferriera.
But what Ferriera and her husband did even before they became parents is talk about their potential parenting styles, which many people don't do. They wanted to make sure they were not going to be in conflict with one another once having children.
“We came up with a list of what were the top five values we each had in what we wanted to teach our son. There were some things that were more important to him than to me, but we decided that when it came to that particular thing he would emphasize it and I would back him up,” said Ferriera.
Once separated, they continued to share with each other about how they wanted to raise their son, including potty-training issues and allowed her ex to give feedback on how they should handle it as parents.
Kellison cites studies dating back to the 1930s which have shown that children exposed to verbal or physical conflict are more likely to have behavioral and emotional disturbances, suffer social and interpersonal problems, and show impairment in their thought and reasoning processes. Over the course of her work, she has seen many children whose parents have not been on the same page with regard to parenting and it has resulted in very negative outcomes.
“I have heard consistently from kids that they love both their parents and don’t want to hear any negative comments from their parent, which takes a lot of work on the parents part. They also say that they wish their parents would not sit at opposite sides of the fields at their sporting events; it makes them feel torn and uncomfortable. They don’t want to be the messengers (“tell your mom…”) or have to worry about taking care of their parents emotional needs,” said Kellison.
Kellison suggested that setting a consistent schedule and keeping it with the understanding that some flexibility may be needed is one helpful tip that can help children and parents who are divorcing/separating. Also, keeping rules and expectations at both homes as similar as possible to avoid confusion and increase the child’s sense of security can also help. This also decreases arguments such as “But at Dad’s house, I get to…”
Additionally, there are several websites parents can turn to for helpful tips on how to successfully co-parent after separation or divorce, including coparenting101.org which lists the Ten-Commandments of Co-Parenting.
On many sites, the main suggestion for parents who are in a co-parenting situation is to do something many find challenging--to be kind and maintain respect for each other especially in front of the children. Check out a recent segment on ABC’s Good Morning America filled with tips for parents facing a break-up.
If you want a more personal approach, the Family Service Agency of Marin will be starting a new session of their popular Parenting Apart Classes for divorced or separated couples.
The class will meet weekly for six sessions and are offered during the day and in the evening for a sliding scale fee. For more information or to register for Parenting Apart call 415-491-5723.