“ You HAVE to see this!” was the comment posted with a link on my Facebook wall. Now armed with a good excuse to avoid doing laundry, I clicked and the You Tube video viral “Sh*t White Girls Say To Black Girls” started playing. I laughed til I cried and that was my introduction to all kinds of Sh*t that people say.
Creatively pushing the envelope, these videos are now flooding the internet. ‘The Sh*t that ...’ formula is delicious mixture of mimicry, controversy and thought provoking material. In a heart beat, we instantly get it.
In fact when you watch these clips, lengthy explanations aren’t needed as they provide an exquisite mirror to our experience. It’s as if the volume is suddenly turned up and a bright light shone on our foibles and ignorance. Yes, these videos work because they aren’t original one liners, but mindless repeated statements made by even the most evolved folk. In fact, if you watch enough of these videos, you recognize yourself as both the Sh*t sayer and the Sh*t recipient.
For those with infertility, these kinds of micro insults form part of daily life. How many times in a day do you have to explain to others that you don’t want to adopt or that it’s actually not a cure for infertility?
The cumulative impact of the cloddish remarks takes its toll on those trying to conceive. Mild irritation quickly turns to outrage as judgment is passed on one’s fertility status; “you’re defective” or “doing something wrong” being the damming verdict.
Irrefutably for those in the know, the lack of understanding fast becomes a bore and it’s no wonder that those struggling to conceive have little tolerance or patience for their fertile counterparts.
However as I watched my own video start playing (‘Sh*t That Breeders Say’), I was able to put my anger aside and ponder an important question. Isn’t it strange that what seems incredulous and appalling to me -the Sh*t recipient, is actually thought to be helpful by the Sh*t sayer?
Of course if these kinds of comments go unchecked, tensions rise as does the resentment. But going into long explanations to help the Sh*t sayer understand why her comments are inappropriate, quickly starts to feel like an energy drain.
So what can be done? Learn to disarm from their harm.
The last thing you want is for your body to feel tenser than it already is during this time, so learning to disarm from their harm will feel empowering. This is easier said than done, but partly your internal dialogue about the situation can change if you can ask yourself the question: is it possible that if I didn’t know better, or if I was fertile, I too might fall into the trap of asking stupid questions?
For myself, if the truth be told, I know I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease more often than I care to admit.
In more ways than one, the line between ‘them’ and ‘us’ is thin and ‘Sh*t That Breeders Say’ is really about the struggle that exists- for both sides.
- This post was orginally posted on The American Fertility Association website on May 22, 2012.
Thank you for bringing up such an important point. Certainly the title of this piece has been highlighted in people's minds for many reasons, so let me explain further. The title took a long time to formulate; it needed to be distinguished from other infertility skits which had the words 'parents', 'fertiles', 'girlfriends', 'women' in etc etc. It also needed to be broad enough that both sexes would view the piece. So, after some research the term breeders surfaced. Although it has been used by the LBGTQ community to refer to heterosexuals, it is now most commonly used ( esp in the younger generation) as slang for 'parents'. This terms was most searchable given the format of the piece as a YouTube video. I hope that explains the title a bit better and thank you again for your remarks
There is another pejorative word that starts with “R” that might be quite searchable, too, but no enlightened writer would ever use it in a headline just to draw in more readers. (I do understand that the R word is much more inflammatory and cruel than the term “breeders.” I’m using it as an example.)
1: slang term used by some childfree people for one who has a child and/or has many after that, refuses to discipline the child/ren, thinks the sun rises and sets for their child/ren, look down upon people who do not have children, and are in general very selfish and greedy when it comes to their whims and those of their child/ren, especially if they can use their parenthood status or their children as an excuse to get their way. A female breeder is commonly called a moo, and a male breeder a duh.
However, a professional blog entry on a community news web site is a different story. Make an edit, use good judgment, and consider your readership base (Novato is possibly the most family-dense town in Marin County). I am not at all arguing that there isn't deep insensitivity and ignorance out there aimed at women and families who struggle to have a child. However, having respect for all parties when speaking/writing/posting publicly is really one of the best measures of manners and professional integrity. Yeah, it might have been funny. But it's still disrespectful.
"Breeder" is a denigrating term for heterosexuals used in LGBT slang. The use in homosexual groups is drawn from the fact that their sexual activity cannot lead to reproduction, where as heterosexual sexual intercourse can, with implicit mocking by connotation of animal husbandry, the original usage of the word.
@LongTimeLocal: You seem like an intelligent person so I'm sure you can acknowledge the fallacy of trying to argue some point by calling someone a name (ie "Facebook muppet"). And yes, I see the irony in that last statement when we're here talking about the word "breeder." At worst, that was a stereotype used as part of a funny video title...but definitely not name calling. At any rate, sometimes it does take a little controversy to draw attention to an issue, as was done here. Did you read the article?
I think Breeders is used smartly, and is richly apt -- in this context, it's perfect. Videos in this new genre of 'Sh*it People Say' are important conversation-starters, they are important, creative vehicles for expressing the endurance of pain. Just as the spirit of the most famous video ('Sh*t White Girls Say to Black Girls' by Franchesca Ramsey) was to use humor to facilitate a conversation about hurtful comments, this video is using humor (the skit in the video) to express the feeling of being invisible, unlucky, and different from what is still considered the majority--those with the ability to breed. Too often we want to solve the problem for a friend who's struggling to conceive-- but do we LISTEN? That's the simplest gift we can give to any woman who wants to create life and is struggling against her own body to do so. I see this video as a transformation of what I imagine was great personal pain, into something funny, evocative, and new.
Obviously the star is actually a letter 'l'. What else could it be as I would never offend, just as I'm sure the original writer meant to use a 'p' instead of that same star.
Remember that free speech doesn't give one the right to shout "FIRE" in a crowded theater, and words hurt. I myself, shooting from the hip, with my heart on my sleeve, have hurt many people, and I regret some of it.
I can't imagine anyone could be a callous as the mother portrayed in the video. I also can't imagine anyone would willingly hang out with her after more than a couple of those stupid remarks. I think you could have chosen a better way to illustrate your point.
Honestly, doesn't Patch.com have a little more class than to stoop to replacing a letter with an asterisk? Either go all the way or keep the curtain closed please. 'S***' would have been a marginally more acceptable compromise. Hearing the term 'breeders' used for biological parents is either chuckle-worthy or maybe kind of a sad attempt at being generational, I can't quite decide.