Meet Sally: In her mid-30s, well-educated, financially stable and single, or as she put it “Single with a capitol S.” Sally had been in a few longterm relationships in the past but found herself still waiting for Mr Right.
She confided in me that while on the look out for her ideal mate, she noticed that she was becoming increasing distracted by the ticking of “Big Ben.” She was of course referring to her biological clock. Apparently, it ticked extremely loudly at weddings, baby showers and other social events.
It was that distraction that led her to my office.
“OK, I’m single and want a child. I know this sort of defies the conventional idea of what a family should look like, but what can I do? I can’t wait for Mr. Right forever. I know I don’t want casual sex to have a baby and so, I am looking into donor sperm. I’m really worried about that, though. I mean, how will others look at me? And will the child suffer in any way because of my decision?”
Sally is not alone in her fears. Many women who decide to travel this path (which is the one less travelled) have to face these questions.
Sally and I really focused on was the social stigma of what it means to be a single mother, particularly a single mother by choice.
Does social stigma exist? Yes, absolutely it does. Maybe not from your friends or family, but in society at large — yes, both covertly and overtly.
Although we know that the traditional family need not consist of 2.5 children with a mother and father at the head of the helm (think Modern Family or 2-1/2 Men), society in general still has the picture that a family constellation usually consists of opposite sex, married parents with child/ children (plus dog).
As Sally allowed that reality to sink in, courage replaced doubt and she was able to ask herself two important questions:
- Will I deny myself the opportunity to experience motherhood because of it?
- How much will I allow others to dictate how I should feel and what I should do?
The fact is, as daunting as single parenting is, many women contemplate this path making this choice more and more viable, with more and more resources for single mothers, including sites such as Single Mothers by Choice., Single Mothers and Choosing Single Motherhood.
As for Sally’s next question: If her child would be damaged or suffer by only having one parent and was her decision a selfish one?
Fortunately we could rely on some research to help her; studies have shown that there is no significant difference between women who are single mothers by choice- using donor sperm and married mothers using donor sperm with respect to depression and anxiety effects on the child.
In fact, the children of single mothers by choice were shown to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than their counterparts [1]. In other words, because having a baby this way is a conscious decision, the attachment and bonding between mother and child is strong and healthy.
Sally breathed a visible sigh of relief when she heard this.
I encourage single women who are contemplating becoming mothers to gather their ‘band of merry women’ for support, join an online forum, talk through why they want to do this and get their questions answered. Most of the answers are out there.
Reference:
[1] Murray, C., & Golombok, S. (2005). Solo mothers and their donor insemination infants: follow-up at age 2. Human Reproduction 20: 1655-1660.
Fenella Das Gupta is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist ( #47275) working in Northern California, specializing in fertility counseling. She works with individuals and couples as they make their way through the fertility maze.
20 Reasons Why Your Child Needs an Active Father The latest research indicates that fathers who are actively involved in raising their children can make a positive and lasting difference in their lives. In contrast, this same research reveals a number of potentially negative outcomes for children whose fathers are not involved. 1. Fathers who love their children demonstrate their love by spending quality and quantity time together. Children who feel loved are more likely to develop a strong emotional bond with their father and a healthy self-esteem. 2. Provides your child with greater financial resources. Research clearly indicates that families with an active father are “better off” financially. This means that children with active fathers will be more likely to have access to resources that facilitate healthy development (e.g., food, clothing, shelter, quality medical care). 3. Provides your child with a positive male role model. Children, regardless of gender, need positive male and female role models. Children tend to model behavior (positive and negative) that they witness on a consistent basis. Active fathers can promote positive behaviors by setting a proper example for their children. Cont.
5. Enhances your child’s self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to how a person feels about himself. Active fathers promote their children’s self-esteem by being fully involved in their lives and letting them know that they are highly valued. 6. Enhances your child’s intellectual development. Children who are raised with actively involved fathers tend to score higher on measures of verbal and mathematical ability, and also demonstrate greater problem-solving and social skills.
8. Gives your child someone to play with. One of the primary ways that fathers bond with their children is through play. According to researchers, there are qualitative differences in the ways fathers and mothers play with their children. Fathers tend to use a more physical style of play (e.g., wrestling) that offers a number of benefits to children, including enhanced cognitive ability. 9. Provides your child with someone to talk to when she has questions. Young children are full of questions. This natural curiosity helps them learn about their environment. Active fathers can be a valuable source of information for children who are seeking answers to life’s important questions.
11. Provides your child with an alternative perspective on life. Research indicates that men and women often differ in their parenting styles; however, one style is not necessarily better than the other. Instead, it can be healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives on life, such as a father’s. 12. Lowers your child’s chances for early sexual activity. Children with actively involved fathers are less likely to engage in early sexual activity, thus reducing their chances for teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. 13. Lowers your child’s chances for youth suicide. Children with actively involved fathers are less likely to commit suicide than children with uninvolved or absent fathers.
15. Lowers your child’s chances for juvenile delinquency. The benefits of having an active father throughout a child’s early years extend into the teen years as well. Children with active fathers are less likely to commit juvenile crimes than children with inactive fathers. 16. Lowers your child’s chances for adult criminality. The chances that a child will commit crimes as an adult also diminish when he grows up with an actively involved father. 17. Provides your child with a sense of physical and emotional security. One of the major benefits that fathers can provide to their children by being actively involved is a sense of security (physical and emotional). By being actively involved in a child’s life, a father promotes a trusting relationship. The child does not have to worry about being abandoned.
19. Promotes a healthy gender identity in your child. Boys and girls benefit from having healthy role models from both sexes. Research points to the fact that mothers and fathers socialize their children in different ways. Fathers can help their children, especially boys, to develop a healthy sense of what it means to be a male. 20. Helps your child learn important life skills. Most of the essential life skills that children need to survive are learned within the home. Fathers have a unique opportunity to teach their children valuable skills that will enable them to grow up to be healthy and productive adults. Prepared by Stephen D. Green, Ph.D., Child Development Specialist, Texas AgriLife Extension Service, October 2000. Source: Wade F. Horn, David Blankenhorn, and Mitchell B. Pearlstein (Eds.), The Fatherhood Movement: A Call to Action. New York: Lexington Books.
the above information is sound and overall reflects that more than one person is needed to raise a child well. But there is a fantasy that all children living in nuclear families have two totally engaged parents who lavish their love and attention on all their children, and on each other, in a home free of anger, conflict, and recriminations. Also, many children living with single mothers have other important adults in their lives- grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, teachers, family friends, and others who care about them and make sure they know it. Studies have shown that single mothers of different races, classes, and sexual orientations have e rarely raise their children single-handedly. Instead, they have networks of friends and relatives and neighbors who care about them and their children, and have been part of their lives for years.
The data that I quoted is is not a "fantasy." That's why it is only referring to "active and involved" fathers. And of couse their are exceptions, which you appear to be referring to make your case that fathers are superflulous. http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20120609/OPINION/120609505 GUEST OPINION: Absentee fathers, juvenile violence By DAVID SORTINO Park rangers discovered an interesting problem occurring at an African elephant reserve that might help shed light on the relationship between absentee fathers and youth violence. After bull elephants were removed from the main herd and shipped to another park, leaving only the females, babies and adolescents, park rangers began discovering a great deal of destruction and violence in the park. Trees were torn up, and animals violently stomped to death for no apparent reason. Ultimately, the park rangers realized the violence coincided with the bull elephants’ removal from the herd. After some scrutiny, park rangers determined that rampaging adolescent elephants caused the violence. Soon after, the bulls were returned to the herd, and the violence ceased. Perhaps we can see a parallel between the elephant herd behaviors and our human social behaviors, especially concerning male teens.
Furthermore, other studies show that school systems with above-average rates of father absence have nearly double the rates of school violence compared to those with below-average rates of father absence. Children who do not live with both parents are also more likely to carry a gun, assault another student and assault a teacher. To put it mildly, father absence could be the single strongest predictor that a child will grow up to be violent or fall victim to violence. Moreover, fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school. Instead of focusing on juvenile violence, perhaps we need to also examine why fathers become absent in the first place. For example, unemployment was a significant factor for divorce as researchers discovered male unemployment not only increases the chances that his wife will initiate divorce but also that he will be the one who opts to leave.
Bottom line: It would seem to be a win-win solution. Investment in jobs addresses the absentee fathers problem, lowers juvenile crime and the school dropout rate with one sweep. Are we asking too much?
Letter of the Day: A father's role EDITOR: I wish to add to David Sortino’s insightful article about the link between absentee fathers and juvenile violence (“Absentee fathers, juvenile violence,” June 10). As a member of the medical staff at a large California state juvenile correctional facility, I was privy to personal information in medical records. Upon perusing the information, I was struck by the large number of boys who came from one-parent households. My curiosity was piqued. Upon examining approximately 200 medical records, I discovered that approximately 90 percent (a conservative estimate) of the incarcerated youths came from one-parent families, with 90 percent of the parents being the mother. In 100 percent of the families, no father lived in the home, and in approximately 35 percent, the father was unknown. These figures can’t be a coincidence. There appears to be a relationship between absentee fathers and crime in general. I don’t know what the figures are for girls, but it has been shown that the lack of a father figure can also be detrimental to girls. Therefore, this Father’s Day, all you young people thank your father for all that he has done for you. He may have even kept you out of prison. ROGER WINSLOW Santa Rosa
I certainly don't believe in any way that fathers are superfluous and also not the intention of this article Clearly this an important issue to you and admire your passion with putting forward a counter argument. Thank you. Perhaps now others can chime in too.
thanks for the question. Interestingly there are studies that have tracked children born to single mothers with donor sperm fathers. Studies show that the children are either well adjusted or better adjusted. The reasons given include that these kinds of decisions are not made easily, inexpensively (IVF and donor sperm is involved) or by women who have not spent at least a couple of years thinking about it.
thanks for taking the time to out this so eloquently
BENEFITS OF FAMILY FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS ◦Intact families are more likely to provide a safe home for children. Compared to peers in intact families, children in other family structures experienced significantly higher rates of exposure to domestic violence. While 9.9 percent of adolescents not living with both biological parents reported witnessing violence in their homes, only 4.4 percent of those living with both biological parents reported the same. In addition, 6.9 percent of adolescents not living with both biological parents reported that they had been the direct victims of domestic violence, compared to 3.5 percent of those living with both biological parents. Finally, 11.5 percent of adolescents who did not live with both parents reported that they had both witnessed and been the victims of violence in their homes—twice the percentage (5.8 percent) of peers living with both biological parents.7 7.Melinda Yexley, Iris Borowsky and Marjorie Ireland, “Correlation Between Different Experiences of Intrafamilial Physical Violence and Violent Adolescent Behavior,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 17 (2002): 707-720. (Cont.)
◦Married mothers are less likely to experience abuse and violence. Even when the very high rates of abuse of separated and divorced mothers were added into the statistic, the rates of abuse among mothers who had ever been married were still lower than the rates of abuse among women who had never married and those who were cohabiting. Among mothers who were currently married or had ever been married, the rate of abuse was 38.5 per 1,000 mothers. Among mothers who have never been married the rate was 81 per 1,000 mothers.9 8.Stacy R. Aronson and Aletha C. Huston, “The Mother-Infant Relationship in Single, Cohabiting, and Married Families: A Case for Marriage?” Journal of Family Psychology 18, No. 1 (2004): 5-18. 9.Robert E. Rector , Patrick F. Fagan, and Kirk A. Johnson, “Marriage: Still the Safest Place for Women and Children"
Father Factor in Child Abuse Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect. Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997. The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000. Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997. (Cont.)
a 77% greater risk of being physically abused an 87% greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect a 165% greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect a 74% greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect an 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse overall, a 120% greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse. Source: Sedlak, Andrea J. and Diane D. Broadhurst. The Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect: Final Report. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, D.C., September 1996.