No Sleepovers, No Television, No Videogames? No Thanks, Says One Petaluma Mom

Amy Chua has been getting a lot of press lately and most of it has not been good.

If you aren’t familiar with Amy Chua, then perhaps you’ve heard of something called “Tiger Mom.” Amy Chua is a self-proclaimed “Tiger Mother” and author of a new bestselling book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, that has been sweeping the nation with her Eastern philosophies and strict parenting practices.

I recently had some time in between diapers and dishes, to sit down and read an online piece in Time by Annie Murphy Paul called, Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really The Answer? As a mother, I felt myself having intense reactions to interviews and excerpts from Chua’s book.

In one part of her story, and perhaps one of the most widely talked about, Chua rejects her daughter’s handmade birthday card because it appeared to not have been made with enough foresight and effort. She told her daughter, who was about four years old at the time, “This isn't good enough. I want something that you put a little bit more time into.”

As a mother of a four year old, a statement like that would literally crush my daughter and certainly, at the very least, cause her to tell me, “You’re mean.” And yet in Chua’s family, her daughter knew that putting together a card at the last minute was not going to get her any other reaction than the one she was given from her mother.

Much of the controversy that Chua has been the center of has been the underlying message of East vs. West styles of parenting and the subtext of the global economy/economic rivalry between China and the United States. There has been much backlash towards Chua because some see her as suggesting that how Chinese families prepare and condition their children to survive in a competitive marketplace is superior to what she views as Western parents coddling.

As I read--with some contempt--excerpts from Chua’s book and interviews online, I was amazed that as I got to know her, I could feel myself becoming less angry and horrified towards Chua and her methodologies, and more interested in this idea of strict parenting versus soft parenting.

Honestly speaking, I wondered if I felt a little more open to her viewpoints because as the mother of three young kids, and in no way, shape, or form a parenting expert. In fact, I found myself admiring Chua’s confidence.

Chua is confident in her decisions as a parent and mother, which is something that many mothers, including myself at times, are not. I found myself thinking, “she is way too strict, but at least she is consistent.” Consistency is something I know works when I apply it with my children.

It's one of my greatest fears that something I do as a parent with my girls (ages 4, 2 ½, and 10 months) will have a dramatically negative impact on them. Specifically, I feel that fear the most when I have raised my voice or swatted at their bottoms out of utter frustration. And while I cannot imagine saying some of the harsh things Chua is quoted as saying to her two young daughters, who am I to judge?

Chua defends her stance on parenting in part by saying she parents no differently than how she was raised by her strict immigrant parents; parents who she has nothing and admiration for. I had to laugh at that idea because if I followed exactly what my parents did, and I do have respect and admiration for them, I would be caught between a style of parenting that included wielding a belt when needing to discipline (my father) and an inability to say 'no' by driving to three different fast food restaurants to satisfy the cravings of each of my three children (my mom).

But yet is Chua right? Do you parent how you were parented? Or do you blend their parenting style with new ones you pick up from your own and your spouse’s experience?

As a former Admissions officer in a private high school, I remember seeing a few children come in for interviews who were beyond stressed out. Their parents had aspirations for them to be the concert violinist, the star soccer player or a valedictorian.

The kids were young and stretched beyond their abilities leaving them unable to handle the stress on their growing bodies. In the name of well roundedness some of the kids I met weren’t good at any one thing because they were involved in way too many activities.

I think about those kids as I start to introduce my little girls two to soccer, dance, and preschools. I do think that there are some ideas around strictness worth aspiring to when it comes to raising kids, like enforcing little to no television, video games, or computer usage. But I would like to think that for me as a parent there is a greater need for finding a balance between being too strict and being too soft and producing happy kids who want to do things because it makes them feel good not because they are afraid of disappointing me.

I had my chance at being a kid, and while I want my girls to be successful in life, perhaps it is worth considering that part of life is learning how to succeed and fail without a parent pushing so hard or manipulating those experiences.

For me, parenting has become one of the biggest science experiments yet. I have had many trials and many errors, but am standing by more core belief that my kids will be way better off with a mother who loves them and who encourages them to try rather than pushes them to do something they don’t want to do all in the name of perfection.

While I could never imagine myself rejecting my daughter’s handmade anything or forcing them to play piano under duress, I am also well aware that hearing “no” can be one of the best words my children will ever hear come out of my mouth.

I believe that at some point my girls will learn how to fly on their own with a nudge in the right direction out of the nest. I think I’d rather parent with intention, strive for balance, and allow my girls to dialogue with me about their life journey. I hope to sit back and watch them soar knowing that I did what I could, I did a great job, but that ultimately they held the key to their own success. 

Veronica Blaustein is the new Patch parenting columnist. Send her your questions and concerns at ronniebluestone@gmail.com